Dear Luiza: Friends With Benefits

Dear Luiza,

I arrived in Krakow nearly a year ago to finish my studies, and everybody seem to have a boyfriend /girlfriend or ‘friend with benefits.’ Is this a Polish speciality? Back in England, I never heard of this. You have a friend, someone you like to hang out with, and perhaps you have sex. You are not in love, you just do it when you feel like it. I can’t get my head around the idea. Am I being an old-fashioned, prudish, bore?

Dear …

No, I’m not going to call you ‘prim,’ and there are no hard and fast rules about whether you should sleep with your good friends or not. All you need to know is that it does make a difference if you have slept with someone.

So, the question is really about boundaries. How far do you want to let someone else get close to you? It can be very difficult to know in the heat of the moment. I advise the ‘fire-drill technique’ to avoid finding yourself in a situation you’re unprepared for.

Instead, play out the possibilities in your head, before the fire breaks out. Decide in that scenario if you think it would be harmless to sleep with this or that person.

Involve all the details. How would you feel about that person afterward? Which other relationships might be affected? Would you be prepared to lose him or her as a ‘normal’ friend?

If you can answer all your fire-drill questions positively, and you take the necessary precautions, it is only you who knows what you feel, deep inside, about letting someone get that close to you. If you feel okay about it, sex can be a healthy activity with a lot of benefits, as the name suggests.

I wish you wisdom, fun and a happy springtime in Krakow

Luiza