Dear Luiza: Jekyll and Hyde
I’m from Spain and really love living as an exchange student in Krakow.
I’ve met some really cute guys too, but often they confuse me. They seem like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
First they are very gallant and attentive. Hold doors, carry my bags and make great conversation. But then… as soon as we are alone… the Devil seems to take over. They throw and fling me around in bed. They breathe heavily, thump and push and… then it’s all over. Crazy. Totally crazy. What on earth is going on here? It has happened to me more than once.
It is a pity indeed that we don’t have any schools teaching the principles of great sex. Neither at a national nor at a personal level, as we do with road safety or smoking.
Many people think that great sex involves throwing their partner all over the bed, tossing them into 16 different positions. Perhaps they try to copy what we see in porno films with nonstop action. Slinging you around or jumping about like maniacs. It may be entertaining but it is rarely very sexy.
If your partner is more than just a one-night stand, you might take some time to introduce him to slow sex. Forcing yourselves to relax and enjoy one position, to hold it longer than you normally would.
Surprisingly, it can be difficult during sex to tolerate joy. Joy, ecstasy, happiness: they are all difficult feelings to get used to. And they can actually feel uncomfortable. But before you move or change positions, either during sex or right after, see if you can take the challenge to drag out the ecstasy as long as you can.
Holding your partner down can be fun too, slowing down the experience in order to feel the deep impact of penetration over a longer period of time. Most of us will try to move, not because it hurts, but because it feels too darn good.
Try not moving at all and see if you can stand it. Afterward, resist the urge get up and shower or use the bathroom, or to smoke a cigarette. Stay in the position you end in as long as possible. Enjoy the energy between you and relax into the connection. Tolerate the joy.
It is easier said than done.
Louisa von Weiler certified in Sexology in Copenhagen in 2009 and has since been counseling couples and individuals in Krakow.