Dear Luiza: To the Barricades!
My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly three years. We love and trust each other, but recently he has been questioning our monogamous relationship. He says he’d like to have an ‘open relationship.’ What should I do? I don’t want to be old-fashioned, jealous or clingy, but I don’t feel comfortable with the situation. I’m really lost.
Never squander the opportunity that comes with a crisis. You have arrived at a crossroads – the perfect moment for a clarifying conversation with your partner. Basic, fundamental questions must be answered.
Why are you together? What is your idea of the ideal relationship? What do each of you need? Are you prepared to look out for each other? It’s amazing how few people stop to ask, and answer, these basic questions.
Three years together in a stable relationship is a long time, and you are ready to take it to the next level. Your boyfriend has rocked the boat. He wants free sex, more adventures, an open relationship. All very understandable, but his approach is not very skilful, it is disruptive and threatening to love and belonging, safety and security.
This is precisely why you need to sit down and hash it out. Say: “What’s good for you, must be good for me. There are things that only you can do for me, and there are things that only I can do for you.”
A new lover might bring instant gratification, but he or she doesn’t know your story, wasn’t there the day you learnt to ski, or passed an important exam.
For quite a number of years, our society and culture has been moving towards independence and autonomy at the expense of connection and dependency. The time has come for you, dear Kasia, to deal a blow against the culture of alienation, and make a stand for close connection and physical contact. We all need hugging and holding, and we must shift our culture back towards connection and dependency.
To the barricades, dear Kasia, to the barricades…!
One thought on “Dear Luiza: To the Barricades!”
I give you a straightforward and honest male perspective (sorry if it hurts but I prefer to tell you the plain truth).
First of all face it: your current boyfriend is a loser – there is not a better word. just ask yourself – how does he dare to risk breaking up your relationship over his sexual urges and desires??!!
Apart from this simple truth consider the following:
1. Such a behaviour from a guy is 100% proof that he is an egoist bastard – he concentrates only on his needs and wants to satisfy his desires first – you will always come second and he will never care for you the way you wish him to care, don’t think otherwise.
2. If your boyfriend is talking about an “open relationship”, there are very high chances that he has some other partner(s) already and he simply wants to legitimise her/their existence.
3. The “open relationship” usually means one way – ie the guy is allowed many lovers; a woman who would do the same would soon find out that she is seen as a slut …..
4. Face the hard truth: if the guy is looking for excitement and sex elsewhere he is not THE ONE.
Cut your losses and stop wasting your time.
Oh yes, you can try to make him drop the idea of the “open relationship” and you mat think that you have succeeded…. don’t be fooled, a guy will do what he wants to do ……
5. After you dump him, enjoy your freedom as long as you can; then try to choose more carefully a guy who is really worth it (I suggest finding one who has had many lovers and got tired of short-term affairs and is really looking for a serious relationship).
6. You speak English well; I suggest that you try to be open and maybe find a great non-Pole – as a Polishman myself, I certify that although we are probably best lovers (equal to Italians ;-); we screw it up as husbands (Poles are not capable to treat women as equal partners; and reject women who are more successful than them).
7. Be brave – cut yourself off! It will hurt but the best way is like onee big pain … please don’t spread it over time it is much more painful ….
If you cut it now, you will retain something very precious – your respect.
I am happy to help you with no 5 (I have some great friends); that is once you are ready :-)
Good luck – I sincerely wish you to find a great partner in life.