Dear Luiza: It’s Like I’m Lying Next to a Stranger

Dear Luiza,

My husband and I have never had a problem with sex before. We’ve only been married for two years, so I guess we’re still in the honeymoon phase, but in the last couple of months things have taken a turn for the worse – we’re stuck in a rut.

My husband didn’t get a promotion he was counting on, and now he wants to wait before we try to have a baby, which has crushed me. We just seem to be angry with each other all the time. In bed, it’s like I’m lying next to a stranger. I’ve never felt more alone.

Yours, Mariola

Dear Mariola,

In a way, I am sorry it is you and not your husband who is writing to me. The only thing you can do is accept a short-term break from your pregnancy timetable, but he can do quite a number of things.

For example: does he exercise and eat well; does he get enough sleep; is he stressed? I know this is not a very sexy checklist, but you are unlikely to make any progress if these issues have not been addressed.

Regular exercise keeps the blood flowing and the arteries producing nitric oxide, which is essential to sexual arousal. You’d be amazed how many guys feel at their horniest just after exercising.

An active life also plays a major role in generating positive self-esteem. You wouldn’t believe how many men suffer from poor body image, and low self-esteem dampens sexual desire.

Finally, stress and financial worries are one of the main reasons for loss of libido in men and, in your situation, it is probably unwise to insist on having a baby ‘on schedule’ – you will only compound his anxiety.

The best thing you can probably do is to re-introduce sex for pleasure only. This will reinvigorate your relationship and remind him that you value him for who he is, rather than what he can provide for you.

Yours, Luiza