Dear Luiza: My Fantasies are Driving Me Nuts

Dear Luiza,

I’m a 27 year-old woman and have been in a heavenly relationship for the last four years. Recently, I’ve been fantasising a lot about muscular, masculine guys that I’ve either just met or known for a longer without ever having been attracted to before. Now, suddenly I have sexual and intimate fantasies about them, as if we were destined to become involved.

My fantasies about one particular guy are driving me nuts. I cannot think about anything else. It takes me over every time I have a moment to myself. In my daydreams I’m always living in an apartment on my own. It is very confusing and I don’t know where this need comes from.

My boyfriend is a great lover. He is masculine and assertive in bed, yet sensitive in everyday life and I really do love him. So, why isn’t it enough?

Dear Daydreamer,

I believe you are facing a common dilemma – the lure of freedom and flirtation versus the desire for a safe and stable relationship. Many of us want both the freedom of being single, and the security of being anchored in a relationship where we are loved unconditionally. The expression is: ‘Having your cake and eating it.’ The reality is that it’s a contradiction in terms.

Deciding to live in a steady relationship provides safety precisely because we have chosen to close other doors. In economics it’s known as ‘opportunity cost.’ In your fantasies you are peeking behind those doors.

You already have the partner, now you fantasize about the lover. In itself, that isn’t a bad or uncommon thing, and it isn’t something you need to interpret as a sign to get up and go. It’s just that freedom turns you on right now and attachment doesn’t – excitement as opposed to safety. Safety is nice but not very sexy. Excitement is sexy but not very safe.

I suggest you put your cards on the table and discuss this issue with your partner. How would you feel to discover he has similar fantasies? Smiles to you from Luiza

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