Dear Dr. Ovlowska,
I came to Poland nearly four years ago to be with my boyfriend. We haven’t married and I am beginning to wonder if it would be wise for us to stay together at all. We argue a lot and he no longer pays me the attention he used to. I’m afraid if we get married he will be even less considerate towards me. What am I going to do? I have a really good job here but… is there such a thing as Mister Right?
Dear In Doubt,
Congratulations! You are still fighting – this is a good sign. You are alive and you have found the man who can help you grow. And vice-versa.
In the first split second when we walk into a room full of potential long-term lovers we act like heat detectors, zooming in on precisely the person who will push all our buttons, the one who will drive us nuts – first with pleasure, later with pain.
Unless you have your 20-member-family or a village elder to pick your future spouse, you are doomed to be the helpless victim of the most primitive, reptilian parts of your brain. No reasoning, no logic – just pure, undiluted lust. These are harsh words and a tough message, but I’ve seen it happen too often and we need to be wiser than that.
There is no Mister Right or Prince Charming, but there will be one or two candidates in all of our lives – men who are self assured and confident enoug to declare themselves willing to link their destiny with ours, and to grow with us.
This is why we invented the institution of matrimony, and this is where the real challenge lies for you right now. I sense you are wounded by his lack of attention. This is a serious matter and you may well be able to use this situation to assess if he has the potential to grow with you.
You must put him to the test with a clarifying conversation or, as Dr. Ovlowska likes to say, guide him ‘across the bridge’ into your world. There he must play the role of courteous guest, while you will play the gracious host and explain how things work in your universe.
Space is too short for complete instructions, but I hope you will contact me directly for details. Receiving or issuing an invitation ‘across the bridge’ can be one of the most liberating, radical and beautiful experiences a couple can undertake – not just Polish lovers.
Visit Dr. Ovlowska’s website: www.ovlowska.eu