Love Life

Dear Dr. Ovlowska,

My boyfriend wants us to have sex regularly, but I feel guilty. I wouldn’t describe myself as a devout Catholic but I still feel uncomfortable about having sex outside of marriage. Is it my fault or should my boyfriend be more understanding?

Ola from Tarnów

Dear Ola,

You have landed yourself in a typical modern sort of purgatory and you are wrestling with more than one dragon at a time. Maybe you are trying to have your cake and eat it? Easter signals rebirth or resurrection and Krakow is the perfect setting for some serious, spring cleaning of your love life, so let’s take a closer look at the elements involved: 1 You have a boyfriend, but you have not made the commitment of marriage; 2 Although you are having sex, you and your partner have different expectations of frequency.

For any relationship to be successful you must engage in the eternal dance of give and take. As we all know, this is easy to say, but darn difficult to do, and much daily practice will be required. First of all you need to leave all judgment aside and eliminate the word ‘should’ from the discussion. Next you need to ensure high level and regular communication with your boyfriend. Do the two of you really know what you expect from each other? Where are the grey areas in your relationship?

Guilt can only inhibit communication. Instead of asking if your boyfriend ‘should’ be more understanding, you might want to look into your own desires and wishes. This is not as easy as it sounds. My guess is that it is not the frequency of sex that causes you a problem, but rather the way he approaches you. Does he take the time to seduce you the way he used to? Does he pay attention to how you dress or give you compliments and listen to your thoughts?

Many women, regardless of their religious background, have never seriously explored their own sexuality. What inspires you? What makes you happy? What turns you on? If you don’t know the answers to these questions, how could he?

To sum up: you have already demonstrated wisdom by formulating your question, now you need to follow up with some serious self-study and intensified communication. I have no doubt you can do it. You still have some time before Easter to get ready to leave your self-imposed purgatory.

Let me know how things evolve on ovlowska@gmail.com

Yours

Dr. Ovlowska

Visit Dr. Ovlowska’s website: www.ovlowska.eu