Dear Dr. Ovlowska,
My girlfriend broke up with me recently. When I sent her a letter to let her know how I felt, in which I tried not to say things that would hurt her feelings, I got a fairly caustic response… she was definitely trying to hurt my feelings. Why is she lashing out at me like this?
Sam from Seattle
This is a wake-up call. You are not a victim, so stop acting like one. Your girlfriend is treating you the way a woman treats a man who doesn’t respect himself.
If she has broken up with you, she simply isn’t interested in knowing how you feel. By sending a letter you invite her to torture and humiliate you, digging her fingers even deeper into the wound.
Of course you are broken-hearted, but there is a silver lining to even the most thunderous cloud and this is a fabulous opportunity to find yourself, through the pain, alone, without involving her.
Have you ever sat down and defined the deepest truth of your existence? Do you have a mission? Have you found freedom ?
It’s no good hoping that your woman – or indeed any woman – will get easier. Women will test you forever. It is part of the eternal dance between masculine and feminine energy. Instead you need to find your truth.
It doesn’t matter what it is but know that without purpose, a man lives a weakened, impotent existence, perhaps becoming even sexually impotent, or prone to mechanical and disinterested sex.
By finding yourself, your purpose and the mission that is right for you, you will suddenly become immensely attractive. Women will be at your feet. They will pamper and cuddle you. Cook delicious meals and long to see you again – including the one who just acted like a bitch.
Another thing you can work on, is to expose yourself to your friends’ criticism. A man’s readiness to hear another man’s direct criticism is a measure of his capacity to remain true to himself. If he doesn’t have a good relationship with masculine energy (e.g. his father), he will be hurt or defensive rather than make good use of their criticism.
You have a tough time ahead. It won’t be easy and you will often experience periods of doubt and despair – yet if you do not do the hard work now, you will never be a free man and you will remain at the mercy of others.
That is not a pleasant prospect and I certainly do not wish it for you, Sam from Seattle. Instead, I send you my very best wishes for all the courage you will need.