Dear Dr. Ovlowska,
It’s the time of the year when I have nearly two months time off as a teacher of English in Krakow, and return to my home state of Ohio. The difference now is I have a Polish boyfriend and he suddenly seems to be freaking out, accusing me of being inconsiderate. It’s making me miserable and I am totally confused. He tells me “we all have to compromise if we want to be in a relationship”. Do you think he is right?
No, I don’t think he is right. And fortunately many intelligent, young women remain single in Poland, even for a very long time, precisely because they will not compromise.
Although we all need to learn and accept more as we grow older and wiser, we still need to remain intact and true to ourselves. Accepting is not the same as compromising.
Compromise is to behave like the sisters in Cinderella. They so desperately want to marry the Prince they would “chop off a heel and slash a toe”. But it takes time to find a partner who is mature and grown up. Yet that’s what you want.
A “true man” will fall in love with you because you are true to yourself. The more we dare to be real, the more we will be able to love one another for real.
Otherwise, you might one day overhear your Prince telling a dinner party joke like, “Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Friday”. Ha, ha …
And why pretend? Men do not understand hints, sacrifices and “pretend games” anyway. The ”true man” likes a woman who tells him what she wants: ”You’d make me really happy if you’d do this or if you’d do that…”.
Then it’s up to him if he wants to make her happy or not, but the fact that she tells him clearly what her needs are shows where she is and what she needs. Then he has a chance to decide and find out what he is prepared to do for her.
We need to communicate clearly. We are good enough as we are. We don’t need to chop off a heel and slash a toe… we go to Ohio whenever we want to, for as long as we want to.
That’s the way to make true love flower and blossom.
I wish you luck, my dear.