Stand up, brothers, for International Men’s Day!

I’d like to talk specifically to the men today, about male bonding. Did I say I’d like to? Let me be honest. I have to. Brothers, I was ordered to write this at the last minute by Ania Becowska, my radical feminist hard-ass landlady. Not only that, but Ania knew very well that I had just finished teaching after a five beer, four-hour sleep hangover and wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and die.

This, brothers, is a perfect example of why we need more male bonding. You know, we hear so much these days about women and how much of a problem life can be for them: it’s a patriarchal society; women can’t do this; they can’t do that. It’s time for manifesta, they say! But what about men? Do you think, ladies, that life’s a bowl of cherries for us? No, it isn’t!

Just for a moment, I would like you all to stop and think about the plight of the poor, much-maligned, modern male. It’s been said before that the male is an endangered species. “What exactly is a man for?” the feminists cry. “Show me something a man can do that a woman can’t do better!” Well, perhaps there is one thing. But even the thing we do possess that women don’t is becoming rapidly redundant with advances in fertilization techniques and genetic engineering.

Yes, guys, it seems even your mini-me is suffering an identity crisis. But should we be downhearted? Should we give in to the inevitable, put on our oven gloves and set our lives for Gas Mark 5? No! Resist, my brothers! Unite! Together we can fight this scourge of overreaching feminism, which threatens our very manhoods! I hereby declare today, 6th March, to be International Men’s Day. From this day forward, may this day be a beacon, a bastion, of hope for the tired, the hungry, the oppressed males of the world. Let us bond together, brothers, in the hope of a better life; let us bond: through beer, through sport, and through a never-ending stream of sexist comments, dropping words such as “fit” into conversations wherever possible.

As I say, women have it all and yet they still want more. Shopping, gossip, never-ending discussions about the big “O.” Women have never had a problem bonding. We should learn from them, brothers. We should embrace the concept of bonding in the best and only ways we know how. On International Men’s Day. let it be the duty of every man to get together with his fellow man to drink vast quantities of beer, play or watch marathon soccer matches or cricket games and, at the end of it all, possibly even fight drunkenly with each other before declaring in hushed, reverent tones that “You’re my best mate, you are. I love you,” throwing our arms around each other and cracking open another beer.

Should any woman foolishly choose to interfere with these new Men’s Days traditions, she shall forfeit the right to criticize both his driving and love-making skills for a period of not less than one month. We are under siege, brothers. The very concept of the male has never looked so precarious. It is up to us now to bond together and fight rampant feminism with our tried and tested tools: alcohol, competitive sports and an over-interest in the female anatomy. It is a difficult challenge I place before you but, together, we will win through. Good luck, brothers!

P.S. I was just finishing this article when I noticed this piece of news. Apparently, strikes and mass demonstrations are being planned by women across the world following the shock announcement by lawyers that women don’t really have the vote after all. Lawyers working on behalf of the Coalition of Incredibly Bigoted and Reactionary Sods have found that, while many enfranchisement laws go back nearly one hundred years now, they all, coincidentally, came into force on the same date, April 1, April Fool’s Day, thereby making them all null and void. The Cracovian emergency services are warning of major traffic delays during the demonstrations, although the number of accidents is predicted to be lower than usual, ‘cos you know what bad drivers women are.

John Marshall also writes and appears on the weekly Krakowian English-language radio show “Expat Radio” every Sunday morning, 10 to 12, 102.4FM or via

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